As over-priced cheesy cards and a plethora of out-of-date-tasting chocolates fill the shelves, Valentine’s Day approaches with a sense of impending doom. Yes, there is no getting away from this card company created holiday.
Whether you’re alone or part of a sickeningly sweet couple we’ve created the perfect Valentine’s run-down of films to avoid like an STI (unless you’re hitting up Ocean Wednesday) on this day of designated romance. Enjoy…
5. All About Steve (2009)
Fresh off an Academy Award win for highly successful tear-jerker, The Blind Side, Sandra Bullock walks into this train wreck of a film and leaves with less dignity than your average Jeremy Kyle applicant. Bullock plays Mary, a crossword puzzle writer who is set up on a blind date with the appropriately cast eye-candy, Steve (Bradley Cooper) by her parents.
As you can imagine all sorts of hilarity ensues. Not. To give you an idea of just how bad this film is, Bullock won a Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Actress, which she graciously accepted. It also has a 6% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes (surprisingly none of this was attributed to Cooper’s wooden acting). Also Sandra, maybe if you’d taken off those God-awful wellies for a minute you’d have netted less of a cretin.
4. A Cinderella Story (2004)
This tragic modern day reworking of classic fairy tale, Cinderella, stars Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray. In a personal insult to Walt Disney, Hilary really Duffs up this childhood favourite. The plot goes something like this: dad dies in unconvincing earthquake, girl lives with abusive with porn star lookalike Step Mum, seeks refuge at local diner from sassy waitress, Rhonda. Need we go on?
All the romanticism of the original film is thoroughly ruined when Hilary enters into an online/textual relationship with Chad. As the good people at Orange say, don’t let a mobile phone ruin your movie. Too late.
3. Twilight (2008)
We don’t know whether you’ve heard of this particular film, we know it’s a bit obscure and out there. Kristen Stewart puts in a thrilling performance as, Bella Swan, with all the emotional range of a man in a coma. Not to be outdone, Robert Pattinson, pours all his years of acting experience into his role as Edward and achieves the kind of depth you would expect to find at the bottom of Lindsay Lohan’s wine glass.
If their on-screen chemistry is any reflection of their real life relationship then Valentine’s Day is sure to be a sad affair. Even Stephanie Meyer’s original book series, which reads like the writings of a GCSE English student, is miles better than this farce. The only thing that shines in this tween vampire flick is Pattinson’s sparkly CGI body.
2. Gigli (2003)
Where to start with this film? Firstly, it is our opinion that the script writers need to be taken out and shot in a mercy killing. It’s for the best. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck star in this truly appalling rom-com with a title you will be unable to pronounce (fyi it’s jeeli, not giggly or Jack Will’s favourite gilet). J-Lo plays an unconvincing lesbian with a disastrous Queen’s accent opposite off-screen lover Ben Affleck who here takes a turn as a petty criminal. They’re forced into a faux romantic relationship and obviously end up falling in love despite the fact that she loves the ladies and total lack of plot device. Her portrayal of lesbianism really does show that being gay is apparently a choice; who knew?
1.Titanic (1997)
Not in bad taste, obviously, we’re simply stating this isn’t the ideal film to be kicking back to with a new date. Possibly the most unromantic scene in history, Rose (Kate Winslet) and Jack (Leonardo Di Caprio) have a passionate whirl-wind romance scuppered by an unrelenting mother. And a giant ice cube. As they cling to each other and life in the middle of the Ocean, Rose promises: “I’ll never let go, Jack.” But she does though. She drops him like a dead weight.
At this point in the film you should take a look at your partner. Are they crying? Probably. Is that sexy, is it romantic? It’s probably making you uncomfortable. Just call it a night and take comfort in the fact that you were alone last year and you’ll be alone again tonight. Happy Valentines!
Other things you should avoid: Anything starring Jennifer Aniston, Hugh Grant, Sarah Jessica Parker and films which star cute animals or terminally ill children. Nothing says let’s get sexy less than a beloved character’s death.
Lora Somers and Elkie Maddison
Tags: all about steve, anti-valentines, Ben Affleck, Bradley Cooper, Chad Murray, Cinderella story, cinema, date, Gigli, Hillary Dugg, Jennifer Lopez, kate winslet, Kristen Stewart, leonardo dicaprio, love films, Robert Pattinson, rom-com, romantic comedy, sandra bullock, Titanic, twilight, valentines
