Former music editor Mark Linsdell returns to Platform to run through the songs that have annoyed him most in 2013/2014. He’s a very angry man…
Before I start laying into the worst music shat out during the first four months of the year, it is worth giving an honorable mention to one tune that just missed out (due to cleverly releasing itself at the end of 2013).
Timber – Ke$ha ft.Pitbull
A song so bad you pray that Ke(insert dollar symbol here)ha’s scream of ‘Timber’ would knock down a rare American Oak and crush her and her money hungry canine companion…
Anyway, now I’ve got that out my system, it’s time to focus on 2014. Already too much preamble so I’m going to go straight into it.
I’m A Freak- Enrique Inglesias ft. Pitbull
This song is just tragic. A moleless 38-year-old Enrique Inglesias tries to remodel himself from a cracking crooner – let’s not lie, Hero is a beautiful song – to an autotuned euro pop moron.
He spends the whole song talking about how much he lurrrves partying, women’s ‘chemicals’ and how he’s just, well, bloody mental in the sack. You’re not fooling me.
A cheeky 90’s piano loop starts the song off, not bad. Then the beat really starts and it sounds like a hyper 8-year-old on Bopp It. Enriques voice tuning goes up really high, normal, high again, and then… Low? How ‘freaky’.
And Pitball. Well, I still believe this guy has somehow conned a career in music. He blatantly has mafia connections and large collection of fighting dogs. He truly is the worlds luckiest – and well connected – rubbish hypeman.
#SELFIE- The Chainsmokers
ARGH. #ARGH. Everytime I hear that awful girl say ‘but first, let me take a selfie’ I want to make like this ‘bands’ name and start smoking again. Jesus.
You know it’s bad from the off. That horrible synth beat creeps up on you but nothing prepares you for monologue of pure shite that comes from out this girl. The reason that guy isn’t texting her back is because she comes out with statements like “What filter should I use? I wanna look tanned.”
To overcome all obstacles in her life, she just takes another selfie. If you ever meet any girl that likes this song, stay the hell away from her. She is bad news.
The Chainsmokers are laughing all the way to the bank by cashing in on 2013’s word of the year. I also feel partly responsible by listening to it twice on Spotify. Enjoy my £0.02, you bastards.
Happy- Pharrell Williams
This is a bit of a curveball because it is probably the most popular song of the year. I’m not including in to be indie, though.
I like Pharrell. His new album is wicked, I love his hats and he can normally do no wrong. But this song is makes me unhappy (clever)
It should have remained in Despicable Me 2 only. It sounds like a song from a kids film, not a number one hit. The gospel type choir must proclaim ‘cause I’m happpppy’ about 120 times and it feels so false, not to mention repetitive.
Cleverly released when god was pissing over the UK for a couple of months, it received endless radioplay. Thousands of people duly downloaded it in a bane attempt to forget how monumentally dreadful the beginning of the year was.
Pharrell’s Hare Krishna style chanting of the word ‘happy’ may have made a lot of people feel said emotion. But not me. (cause I’m totes indie)